...for the media to cease referring to coffee as "a cuppa joe."
This book is a bit old (1996), but it has some good jokes.
A sampling:
***
Da capo al fine: "I like your hat!"
***
Why are violinists' fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
***
This could be the start of a whole new franchise--a la Martha Stewart, except without all that annoying perfection.
Here's my first recipe:
"Substitutions Galore" Chocolate Chip Cookies
- 1 stick margarine, softened
- 1/2 cup sugar
- 1 packet instant oatmeal, maple & brown sugar flavor
- 1/8 c vanilla pudding mix
- 1 egg
- 1/2 tsp baking soda
- Scant 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/4 cup flour
- 3/4 cup matzoh meal
- 1/4 cup oatmeal
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Cream margarine with 1/2 cup sugar. In lieu of brown sugar, which you thought you had but you in fact do not, substitute 1 packet of brown-sugar-flavored instant oatmeal. If that substitute is not available, substitute one brown-sugar-flavored Pop Tart, ground to a fine powder with a mortar and pestle (note: second substitution not tested).
Mix in one egg and, because you are out of vanilla, a couple tablespoons of vanilla pudding mix.
Briefly mix in baking soda and salt, then stir in 1 cup of flour (or as much flour as you have, filling up the rest of the measuring cup with matzoh meal, because its main ingredient is wheat flour, so why not?). Toss in one-quarter cup of oatmeal in hopes that it will help thicken the dough to the expected consistency.
Place tablespoons of dough on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for 9 minutes, after which the bottoms will be looking quite brown while the tops will still look pale, indeed, almost wet. Remove the pan from the oven, turn the cookies over with a spatula (turn carefully to preserve round shape), and bake for two more minutes.
Remove from oven and allow cookies to cool on the pan for a few minutes, then transfer cookies to a plate (careful--don't break them!).
Serve warm and crumbled over vanilla ice cream.
Show us something you believe in.
Show us a great workout video or DVD.
No, really. I'm serious. It's a good teaching video and a lot of fun.
My 7th- or 8th-grade English textbook contained a great bit of comedic writing, the author of which, alas, is probably forever consigned to anonymity.
The textbook had a section how to write a business letter, and they showed how not to do it with a sample letter I found riotously funny then and still guffaw over every time I think of it.
The letter was from a kid to an apparel mail-order company, and it went something like this:
Dear Sirs:
I am extremely unhappy with the order I placed on [date]. The zipper on my new duffel bag broke the very first time I used it. Also, I ordered five blue shirts printed "Camp Winnemucca." Instead, you sent me three red shirts printed "Camp Swampton" and two yellow ones printed "Camp Lonesome Pines"! As if that wasn't bad enough, you sent me two pairs of red shorts. They were supposed to be khaki.
If you don't straighten this order out--and fast--I'm going to give everyone at camp such an earful that you'll never get another cent out of any of them.
Yours in disgust,
Benjamin F. Cook
The first paragraph I know I'm not remembering in its full glory. The rest is very close to verbatim, if not dead on.
I wish I'd copied this down back when I had it. I wish I could get myself a copy of the textbook now! No doubt there's a website called www.oldtextbooks.com. In fact, let's check now.
Back. Indeed, that URL does exist, but it's just one of those automatically-generated agglomerations of websites with a slight effort at web design and a few stock photos slapped on it.
Show us a snippet of something you're writing.
Given that a lot of great comics have been and still are done in black and white, it seems a little risky to call black-and-white art "boring."
Just kidding. Hi, all. Here's a photo I took this summer at Krohn Conservatory. Hey, I feel a haiku coming on:
Grouchy guide at Krohn
Wrongly scolded daughter for
Picking the flowers
Show us an owl.
Front yard, 10/3/2004.
